A while ago, I watched a video online, in which a woman was calling out another woman for not being a ‘proper widow’. This young widow is an Event Planner who is now the sole bread winner of her family. She wiped her tears and summoned the energy to leave her home and fend for herself and her young children. According to the woman who decided to rant about an issue that was no concern of hers, based on the dictates of tradition, the widow was supposed to stay indoors for at least a year and not be seen around.
I found the tirade heartbreaking. I know that people do and say all kinds of things these days on social media for attention, but this was truly awful. In the comments that followed, the refrain kept coming up again and again, ‘Women are their own worst enemy’.More recently, there was the case of a woman who had all her sensitive conversations with her ‘close friend’ broadcast for the world to hear. Again, a verdict followed – ‘Women are their own worst enemy’. There was a Loud Whispers essay I wrote years ago on this topic, so I am sharing a revised version.
I can argue both sides of the case. I know that women are capable of doing unspeakable things to other women, I have no illusions about that. However, like an incurable romantic, my position has always been that it is not women who are each other’s worst enemy, it is patriarchal oppression. Women will not automatically like other women because they share the same sex. If however,we are indeed concerned about more unity and cohesion amongst women in the face of patriarchal domination, there are a number of things women can do to stop people repeating the awful refrain that ‘women are their own worst enemy’.
1. Show solidarity with other women
You do not have to like every woman, or her choices. Yet you can show solidarity when it is required. When you hear that a woman you know is in distress or is in need, reach out to her. A visit, phone call, email or text, anyway in which you can show that she is in your thoughts, even women you might have a strained relationship with. There is a Yoruba saying that roughly translates as ‘My quarrel with you is not about wishing you death’. Even if she does not reciprocate when it is your turn, at least you have established that you are not her enemy, even if you are not friends. . The further you go along your journey in life, the more effort you need to put into supporting other women along the way. When it comes to friends, never be that woman who declares, ‘I don’t have women as friends’. You do need women as friends, you just need to be careful when you are choosing them. Will other women betray you and hang you out to dry? Yes, they might, but when that happens, you learn that you should never do the same to another woman, that way you play your part in breaking the cycle.
2.Stop using social media as a weapon to terrorise women
I know this is wishful thinking, but Ican’t help but dream of a day when women will treat one another with respect in cyberspace.I wish women (of all ages) would stop using the anticipation of monetization as an excuse for constant fights, abuse, and curses. If you have nothing good to say about another woman, no matter how evil you think she is, just scroll on.
3.Leave a positive legacy
If you are in a leadership position as a woman, you should be intentional about leaving a legacy that will keep the door open for other women. Our qualifications and experience might get us through the door, but they don’t always keep us in the room. Don’t be that female leader who gets to the top and kicks the ladder down, so she can continue to enjoy the special attention and ‘respect’ of being the only woman. You can do this by mentoring and supporting the other women on your team and enable them grow, or actively recruit other qualified women so that you can all bring down more glass ceilings.
4. Don’t demonise your female boss
If your boss is a woman, are you one of those who go around saying, ‘I prefer a male boss, my female boss is terrible’. Really? Is it because your female boss insists on you meeting her deadlines, and is not susceptible to the subtle flirtation you used with your former male boss to get out of a tight spot? Did you call your former boss names such as ‘Bitch’, ‘Witch’, ‘Unreasonable’, ‘Emotional’ or ‘Hysterical’? Well, you probably did call him a bastard, but did you ever question his competence?
5.Show empathy for women in public life
It is not easy for many women in our communities when they are elected or appointed officials, or spouses of leaders. There is a backlash against women in public life that is always bubbling under the surface. Their mistakes are amplified and their frailties are often exaggerated, compared to the way men are treated. Next time you are tempted to abuse or curse a woman in leadership, think again. If you were the Minister for Finance, would you appreciate being told to go back home and cook the finances in your husband’s kitchen? If you were a President’s wife, would you appreciate every item of clothing you put on being relentlessly scrutinised and costed by other women?
6.Treat female in-laws and step children well
If you are married, maintain a good relationship with all in-laws, both male and female. Since we are talking about ‘women as enemies’ it goes without saying that the drama is usually with female in-laws. If you are a Mother-in-Law, treat your Daughter-in-Law well. Treat her as a daughter and not a stranger. If you are a daughter-in-law, treat her like your own mother. You are never rude to your own mother when she upsets you. Same goes for the Sisters-in-Law.
Wicked step mothers exist as fact and fiction. We are very familiar with stories of step-mothers who abuse and even banish their step-children. It is the stuff many a Nollywood drama is made of, and culturally, it is a global phenomenon. Why don’t we ever hear about the good step-mothers? I know a step-mother who brought up her husband’s three children from his first wife alongside her own two, and there was no difference in the way they were treated. She earned their love and respect.
7.Avoid body shaming other women
Most women have a life-long struggle with their weight. Sadly, women run a never-ending commentary on each other’s bodies. Women declare other women ‘too fat’, ‘too black’, ‘too ugly’, ‘too many pimples’, ‘too many stretch marks’, ‘too old’. How I wish the many software designers could come up with an application that would show the face and body of every anonymous person who body shames a woman on social media! I would gladly buy shares in such a company. Meanwhile, if you are a woman (men, in your own interests pay attention too), never greet another woman with ‘You have put on weight! What have you been eating?’. This is gross and unkind. Sheknows she has put on weight. Her jeans and bra which don’t fit anymore have already told her so. Shedoes not need you to re-enforce feelings of self-doubt leading to further erosion of her self-esteem.
8.Treat domestic staff well
For the women who rely on a team of domestic staff to keep their households running, treat your employeeswell. Don’t abuse, starve or humiliate your staff. It is such a contradiction for women who are seeking to be treated fairly to be the ones who mistreat their domestic staff in private. Pay them on time, be generous to them, be firm but fair, and remember that they spend time with your children. Any abuse you mete out to them will manifest in their behavior towards your children.
9. Lions don’t need to roar
Neither do Lionesses. If you are the boss, you are the boss. Unfortunately, the way attitudes towards women in leadership playout, women in leadership often feel they have to prove a point. Women work twice as hard, study twice as hard and go above and beyond to prove they are good enough for a job. As a female boss, you do not need to prove anything other than that you are qualified and competent for the job. You do not need to be called ‘Margaret Thatcher’, you don’t have to bully your staff, threaten them or be rude to them. Be clear with your vision and goals, build an empowered team and be assertive.
10.Help another woman tell a good story
Thanks to gender stereotypes, we are socialized into believing that the world in which women live is one of gossip, back-biting, envy, and quarrels. These are the habits that fuel the ‘women are their own worst enemy’ agenda. Men never gossip. They only have ‘conversations’. Men are never jealous or envious of each other, they only have ‘differences of opinion’. As women, let us stop writing the wrong kind of story for and about each other. Stop repeating unsavory stories you hearabout other women. Refrain from the pervasive culture of ‘they said’ or ‘they say’.
So dear sisters, daughters and mothers, let us try and do better. Men have been tyrants, terrorists, predators, and have waged all kinds of wars, but we don’t hear them declaring that ’Men are men’s worst enemy’. I know there are many women who will continue to act in ways that undermine the notion of sisterhood. It is their choice. It does not have to be yours.
•Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Leadership Coach, Policy Advocate and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com
The post ‘Women are their own worst enemy’: Ten ways to prove this saying wrong, by Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi appeared first on Time.i.ng.
